I’m with my partner of 7 years I’m 21 years old and we have a son who is 16 months old. We have a house together and all is not good, we are not getting along like we used to, that’s not the problem I have fell in love with someone and she feels the same way we’ve been like it for about 5 months, I am really stuck on what to do, I don’t want to lose out on seeing my son grow up as I may only see him on a weekend, but should that stop me from being in a good relationship? My partner knows I’ve text this girl but I like her too much to call it off with her. Any advice would help me massively
Thank you
Scott
Need to talk now?
Just call me: 1-502-403-3504
(based in the United States, charges may apply, no - I will not pay them for you.)
You will remain anonymous and any discussions will remain confidential between the two of us.
Dear Scott,
If the current relationship you’re in is unfulfilled, you owe it to yourself to ask why. You’re right, seeing your son on the weekends will not bring you satisfaction in the future… however, staying in an unhealthy relationship is also not fair to you. If you care about the woman you’re living with, sit down with her, and discuss what the REAL relationship problems are. If there is room for you to improve, try to listen and respond to her suggestions. If there are areas you feel she needs to change, tell her.
Hey Scott,
When our needs are not fulfilled at home, we seek to fulfill them elsewhere. This is common in relationships, and for men it is very common to fulfill these needs through work, and sometimes through others, such as in your situation. There are 3 levels of relationship: 1. Selfish Love – we seek to meet our own needs in a relationship, 2. Conditional Love – I’ll meet your needs if you meet mine, 3. Unconditional Love – You’re partner’s happiness is your happiness, thus you do things to make her happy regardless of what you get in return. For lasting fulfillment, both parties need to be on level 3, but you can work to align with one another’s needs until the shift is made.
Many times we point the finger that our partner is the problem. Though there may be some truth to it, ultimately we’re responsible for our own thoughts, actions, and beliefs. When you change, the world around you changes. My advice to you:
1. Do you really want some other man raising your child? If you leave, what will this do ot your self-esteem?
- Right now it sounds like you’re looking for some stability from your partner. I don’t know the details of her or your behaviors, other than you’re trying to escape a situation you feel you have little to no control over.
- You’re also looking for some recognition which she’s probably not giving you. This other woman you’re seeing provides both the certainty that she likes you (though if you haven’t been seeing her for very long, this is just the normal rush of emotions when we see someone new) and she probably expresses her appreciation for you.
2. Sit down with your current wife, like Jen suggested, and find out where you both are in the 3 levels of relationship.
- What is it going to take to move to level 3?
- Who will you have to become to make this happen? What would you have to focus on to feel that you at least have the power to give unconditionally, and ultimately create this breakthrough that your son can have some great parent’s to model after.
3. It takes 2 to tango. You’re wife’s needs are just as unfulfilled as yours, and right now, you’re not helping her. Her issues may be coming from past experiences, and if she’s pushing you away, she’s testing you to step up, stand firm, and be her man. Many women have been severely hurt in the past, and thus develop trust issues. So instead of getting hurt again, they try to push us away. However, in woman talk, this does not mean they want you to leave! Women’s language can seem as foreign as bird’s chirping, but these are the opportunities to show that we care, and Love them unconditionally. She throw out cheap shots to get a reaction, and even twist the knife in unhealed wounds… but she’s really just testing you! When we prove that we are worthy (which begins with YOU first of all!), then their trust builds even more. Trust is not built during the easy times, but during the tough times when we can stand grounded!
I hope this helps. Let me know how it works out for you!
Purpose. Passion. Power.
Howard
If you are not happy with where you are now then I think you should part ways but the thing is to never neglect your child. Your child should inspire you to find a better life and learn from the mistakes that you did before.
Aaron is right. You should think of the child’s future instead. He must not experience the things that you have been experiencing now when he grows up.